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80. Totino's Pizza Rolls

Classification: Convenience

I am not a fan or follower of the NFL, but like so many others, one of our long-standing family traditions is watching the Super Bowl and spending the day eating in a manner that responsible medical practitioners universally caution against. I can vaguely recall the amazing second-half Tom Brady-led comeback by the Patriots; Prince absolutely shredding Purple Rain at halftime in a Miami monsoon. And I still get chills remembering Whitney Houston crushing the Star-Spangled Banner. But mostly I remember the pizza rolls. My son still returns home from college for the day, settling in with me in front of the TV and our homespun buffet where Totino's is the the guest of honor. There's deep-fried bread crumb shavings flying past our faces like sand in a tornado, and I need my leaf blower to clean the den when it's all over. And therein lies the paradox. It's a highly valued, time-honored ritual in our household that is respected and revered. But approaching it from a purely scientific perspective, there's a pretty narrow window of time between fighting off the geothermal magma filling in a fresh pizza roll and salvaging the last few rapidly curing cheese satchels resting in a thin pool of grease. Plus, I always overindulge, so I feel lousy midway through the second quarter. And yet, for the convenience, price-point and overall experience, I'll continue anxiously counting down the days until we do it all over again. Hooray footbawww! (6 of 10 stars)

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