sat·ire | (/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/) | noun

the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Miguel Sanó Returns: Twins Add Former Slugger to Make Everyone Else Look More Disciplined

The Twins’ offense has struggled to put up crooked numbers. Could a former slugger’s unique approach help the team get back on track?

By Cody Christie

• Tuesday at 09:08 AM

Image courtesy of Nick Wosika--Imagn Images

Twins Video

[Ed. note: This is a satirical piece! Miguel Sanó has not actually re-signed with the Twins. Ideally, we wouldn't have to clarify this further than by using our Satire frame around the article, but this one runs a certain risk of being taken seriously and reacted to enormously. So, we'd like to make clear right now that this is a bit. It's a good bit. Please enjoy. -MT]

In an unexpected turn of events (or perhaps a deeply expected one, if you’ve followed this team’s patterns), the Minnesota Twins have added former slugger Miguel Sanó back to the roster. Not for power. Not for production. But for the psychological well-being of the rest of the lineup.

“We needed a guy who could strike out in a way that makes Carlos Correa look like Tony Gwynn,” said one unnamed front office official, while nervously adjusting his WAR spreadsheets. “Sanó just has that gift. Watching him flail at three consecutive breaking balls really puts things into perspective for everyone else.”

The move comes as the Twins’ offense continues to struggle to put up crooked numbers, unless you're looking at strikeouts, in which case they’ve become calligraphic artists.

A “Strikeout Sink” StrategyCorrea, who currently leads the team in hitting into soul-crushing double plays, welcomed Sanó’s return with cautious optimism.

“Honestly, having Miguel out there is huge for me,” said Correa. “Now, when I ground into a double play, people will be like, ‘Well at least he hit the ball.’ It’s all about relativity. The man’s a walking empathy generator.”

(Fact-checkers confirmed that, among a wide constellation, that's one thing Sanó had never been called before.)

Manager Rocco Baldelli, in between managing bullpen usage like it's a chess match with a time bomb, said the team is leaning into what he called the “Three True Outcomes” lifestyle (walks, home runs, and strikeouts), though the emphasis is heavily weighted toward just one of them.

“We’re basically ignoring two-thirds of it,” he said. “We’re going all-in on strikeouts. If you can’t stop the bleeding, sometimes it’s best to just open the wound wider and let it air-dry.”

Sanó: “Each K is a Statement”In a post-workout press conference that mostly involved him hitting balls off a tee into the back of the batting cage at 117 mph, Sanó offered his thoughts.

“Every strikeout is a statement piece,” Sanó declared, holding up a bat labeled 'FIP THIS' in Sharpie. “Analytics said I had to change. I say no. I will strike out 200 times to prove the system is flawed. Art is pain. Baseball is suffering.”

He then struck out against the pitching machine, which wasn’t even turned on yet.

Front Office Blinded By Exit Velocity (Again)Asked what convinced them to bring Sanó back, a member of the Twins analytics department responded without blinking.

“Have you seen the exit velocity? It’s like watching Thor swing a tree at a meteor. Sure, it only happens once a week, but when it does, wow.”

“Exit velo is the new batting average,” they added, before walking into a wall while staring at a Blast Motion chart.

Fanbase Already Disappointed, In AdvanceSeason ticket holders have been quick to voice their concern, but mostly in that resigned, passive-aggressive Midwestern way that’s uniquely Minnesotan.

“I already lowered my expectations this year, but this move made me realize they weren’t low enough,” said Dan Gustafson of Chaska. “It’s like rewatching a bad sequel because you forgot how much you hated it. Miguel’s back, and so is my ulcer.”

Still, others are cautiously hoping for a fairy tale ending, or at least a mildly interesting Twitter clip.

“If he can just connect on one ball and break a Statcast record, I’ll take it,” said Jenny Lee from Eagan. “Even if we lose 9–1. Just give me that one GIF to believe in.”

With Sanó back in the fold, the Twins may not be better, but they’re certainly something. Sometimes you don't need production, just the illusion of chaos to make everyone else look stable. And if that illusion strikes out 3.2 times per game? Well, at least he’s consistent.